Isn’t it a wondrous thing that given the 7 or 8 portals (gender allowing) into our bodies, our creator (no assumptions about your beliefs) plus evolution has also helpfully provided a collection of variably-sized digits , handily placed on the end of what we doctors call a “hand” and a mobile extension, that we doctors call an “arm”, just long enough to reach and explore each and every one. Lucky us!. Imagine how frustrated T Rex was (not Marc Bolan’s band) – and what were those tiny little arms for? T Rex I mean....not Marc Bolan.
We have put this incredible functionality to great use in our daily lives but not content with that, we think ”I know, I’ll see what I can get stuck in there!” Check the archives because we have given human propensity to put things in the anus and rectum in another podcast!
So one down and 6 (or 7) to go. We’ll class 2 ears and 2 nostrils as 1 item each so that’s 4 or 5 left. To be clear, ears, nostrils, mouth, urethra and, if you are so blessed, vagina.
Our podcast is about what we put in and generally can’t get out without a little assistance.
Our ears are for hearing and balance…that’s good stuff. So why would we interfere by stuffing things in there? There is a simple bit of medical wisdom ‘the smallest thing that should go in your ear is your elbow’ ...try it! Sound but often ignored advice.
Simplest problem: wax. It’s natural, it usually sorts itself. Imagine it’s a slow waxy conveyor belt cleaning your ear canal from in to out. It doesn’t usually need any help from a cotton bud, pencil, pen, hair grip, knitting needle or even finger. Ramming it back down is not helpful and compacted wax makes us deaf, dizzy or both. Neither is perforating your ear drum. Seek professional help if you think you are bunged up! No lo poco as the Spanish say!
Then there’s what we put in: paper, beads, small batteries, tiny toys and fluff. Excusable in kids -they need to learn. But in adults?...well.
Stuff does get in there itself sometimes for example insects and other small creatures..an unusual case of buzzing…we explore removal in the podcast.
Leaving foreign bodies in there can cause more serious problems ranging from infection to perforation or sometimes the item can calcify, a fancy way of saying become covered and impregnated with stone!. Little batteries are not great and can be corrosive and need to come out urgently. If you live in Britain, because of the NHS there’s no charge. Corny!...moi?
The nose is no different - same stuff, different orifice(s)..toy soldiers and beads are favourites ..as is paper…leaving things in there again causes infection with a lovely pusy (not pussy, easy error…see later) discharge….batteries are, again, also dangerous. The problem with your nose is that it goes back a long way and removal has to be specialised. There are some very long and thin forceps and lovely flexible instruments for the job. But please, leave it to us....we have a licence to drill.
The mouth is generally harder to get things stuck in, but we are great at getting fish bones to stick and even better at swallowing things... dentures are common. There is the old joke about children swallowing money and being sent home and asked to return if there is no change! I once saw a patient in the emergency room who, while I was doing some work in psychiatry, had swallowed 3 thermometers! Mercurial folly one might say!
I can understand the nurse’s surprise when the patient bit and swallowed the first, and can see how a second supervised attempt might disappoint. But you have to question why they thought it was okay to offer the patient a third! They had to be surgically removed..oh yes they’d been bitten in half!
Most things we swallow pass naturally, but batteries need to come out as they can erode through the bowel causing areas to die and form abnormal connections to other organs, what we call fistulae. Sharp stuff or big stuff when swallowed is again cause to intervene.
Moving down, we enter the so-called nether regions, ‘nether’ defined as ‘lower in position’ so orifice-wise, that includes the vagina and urethra, the exit pipe that allows wee to pass from bladder to toilet. As above, metaphorically speaking, we cover your anus elsewhere and not in the planetary episode!
Little girls are notorious for sometimes putting little beads, small toys and tissue paper inside themselves and occasionally paper clips and batteries ;what is it with batteries? Symptoms are often initially few, but in time, itching , inflammation and bleeding can occur. Removal is usually relatively simple, but sometimes a general anaesthetic is required. With children one should always have at the back of one’s mind the possibility of abuse, so asking the right questions is part of our training.
In older girls retained condoms or, more commonly, forgotten tampons, can be a cause of discomfort, discharge and infection. Medical help is sometimes required for removal and certainly for treatment of infection. In the podcast we talk about stranger objects inserted for sexual gratification, a lightbulb for example, great idea! …or sometimes illegal drug trafficking or hiding for later use, often in condoms!
And then there are objects that find their way up stream, up the urethra and even into the bladder. Bullets, paperclips, ballpoints, nails and screws…things that get up that far seldom come down so again surgical ingenuity is required.
Listen to the full podcast for more tales of the ins and outs of so-called ‘foreign bodies’ and of orifices you hadn’t even thought of!
